Known for being a great big bunch of hammer-throwing shitbags, Inverness will be looking to kick the Dons off the park at every opportunity, you can bet your tits on that. However we will be dazzling them with our close control, our tight passing, and our fantastical darting runs from defence.
While the Dons go with a fairly adventurous 4-5-1, the teuchters are going with their favoured Buttplug Formation. The fuck is up with that?
There appears to be a fairly raucous Casual element in the ground today, so let's hope they can behave themselves and not get up to any sort of shameful sheninniganry. We'll be keeping an eye on them. And if they DO get up to their hi-jinx then a certain Jamie 'The Grass' Langfield will be on the blower to the Rozzers right quick and no mistake, Guv.
Anyway, time to get this show on the road, as they say in showbusiness circles. Unless it's Jimmy Savile, in which case they say, 'Let's grope this underage lassie's tits and that, jingle jangle."
The only molesting going on today will be some lucky sheep, though... two sets of sheepshagging bastards in one tiny stadium makes for a lot of potential sheep-worrying. Still, if they didn't want it they wouldn't be standing there taking it. And anyway, who's to say that sticking your dick in a sheep is necessarily a bad thing? Not that I'm sticking up for people who bang farm animals... I'm just saying if that's what two consenting adults of admittedly different species want to share a few moments... Oh, right, the fitba....
With the Dons in third and the Highland Huns only one point behind in fifth there's everything to play for. If, by 'everything' we mean '3 points'. Which obviously we do.
Okay, enough of this fucking jibba jabba, as Mr T used to say on the A-Team. I pity the fucking foo, he used to say that too.... enough of this fucking jibba jabba, let's get fucking started and I ain't gettin' on no fuckin' plane piloted by no crazy fuckin' foo.
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Inverness come out of the traps swinging like a mentally deranged retarded kid on too many Sugarpops™, flying at the Aberdeen defence from the off. It's a storm of epic proportions, and the shitkickers from North of Everywhere threaten to blow the Dons away in the opening few minutes under a literal hurricane of attacking soccer.
Desperate goal-line defending is all that prevents the 'Nesians from taking the lead, and it isn't until the 23rd minute before the deadlock is broken.
A scramble in the packed Dons box for the umpteen and eleventh time sees the ball worked out to the right hand side of the box a quick pass inside to former Heart of Molestors XI star, Rudi Skacel, and the ball is in the net. It's a great goal, it has been coming and the dons are 1 - 0 down but not really.
The referee has seen some kind of imaginary infringement, and the goal is chalked off. Aberdeen survives for a few more minutes at least.
3 minutes from the break and it looks like the Reds might have weathered the shitstorm, but for some unfathomable reason, following an ICT corner, the referee decides to award the Caledonians a penalty just because. The Dons fans are enraged at this act of random penalty-awarding, and Daytripping and his mates, as suspected, throw some smoke bombs onto the pitch in a bid to interefere with proceedings.
This is shameful... a lascivious display of hot-headed, not to mention criminal, behaviour of the sort that will see you arrested in any civilised country. Settle the fuck down, eh?
Foran steps up, and the Oirish lad who Aberdeen once deemed as having too much personality to sign for us slots the ball calmly into the Aberdeen net.
1-0 the Fermers, and it's an entirely deserved lead.
Half Time: Inverness 1- 0 Aberdeen
After a serious half time bollocking, the Dons come out firing on all cylinders. The cautious, backs to the wall pish of the first 45 minutes are dispensed with, and a more cavalier 'Everyone Forward' approach is deemed the best way to get back into this game.
Immediately from kick off the Dons win themselves a free kick 25 yards out, and ugliest team member, and former ICT Potato Person, Little Johnny Hayes steps up with the curler... straight into the back of the Caley net and we're all square. Suck that goal-cock!
This sets the Dons up nicely, and led by Hayes the impetus shifts from the Sons of Butcher to the rampant Dandies, and within minutes the Dons are 2-1 up following a Shaughnessy bullet header from a quickly taken corner. Surely this is too much goal-cock for even Terry Butcher to swallow.
FUN FACT: Famous for his Head-Periods, Terry Butcher is a former England International, though most famous for kicking a door at Pittodrie like a petulant little bitch after his team took a good old-fashioned raping at the hands of the greatest team the world has ever seen.
Lazy play sees Low, for the mumblemumbleth game in a row, losing the ball in midfield, and the Rabber Bampers fly up the park, desperate to get back on level terms before their boss starts kicking them inna.
Some fine interplay, what used to be known as good passing, has the Invernesians taking a static Aberdeen defence to pieces, with Sutherland firing the ball into the net with only 15 minutes left to play. The Highland fans go mental, emulating the bouncy-bouncy that the fans of more sophisticated clubs used to like doing about 25 years ago. Invernesians, if nothing else, are on the very cutting edge of trendiness. They'll be getting step-cuts and Paisley Pattern dungarees next.
Their mongoly celebrations are, however, cut short by this god of a referee. The goal is chalked off and Inverness are furious. Screaming at the referee in whatever fucking language they speak up in Inverness, Gaelic or Greek or Gibberish... whatever... doesn't help their cause. Fuck any team that paid Ross Tokely to be a footballer, that's my opinion.
With the match winding down, Mad Niall MCGinn O'Messi bears down on goal, but only a brave, brave save by the Invernessy goalkeeper prevents Aberdeens 2 goal-cocks becoming a great, bloated 3 goal-cock scoreline. Take that in the face, Terry. Take it all.
Final Score...
Inverness 1 -2 Aberdeen.
That puts the Dons in second. Fuck me with a big fat dildo... it'll never last. Enjoy it while you can.
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