League Cup R2: Aberdeen vs Stranraer

Aberdeen vs Stranraer

With the Dons proudly occupying their traditional 9th spot in the SPL, cup fever hits the city of Aberdeen like an epidemic of contagious Bad AIDS.  No-one really fucking cares.  And given the club's usual inability to promote itself, there's probably only a couple thousand hardy souls who even know there's a game on today.

Anyway, let's struggle on through this pointless fucking cup competition, even if it's only for teh lulz.

Today we take on the might of Stranraer, a team that plays its football in, fuck, I don't know... the fourth division or something. Suffice to say they're pish and we should beat them.  We do make a habit of self-fucking when it comes to "teams we should beat in the cup" however, so let's take nothing for granted, otherwise this is the kind of shit we can fully expect from our day.

Depressing but commonplace. Fuck our club.

Langfield is dropped, given we've signed a real goalkeeper (fingers crossed) and Ramovic goes straight into the squad as all my signings do. Langfield is on the bench, and if all goes well the gipit prick has played his last game for THIS fucking club, and no mistake.

Straight to it then?

With a little over 5000 die-hard Dandies in the ground, but not the URDS, because we don;t have enough fans to fill that particular white elephant, we're off.

The first real action of the match sees Nial McGinn, the Emerald Wizard, slot a delicious, gravy-soaked through ball to Scott 'No Goals' Vernon. Vernon swivels on the edge of the box and blasts the ball high and wide.

...wait... fuck me, no he doesn't. He swivels and powers a magnificent bastard of a goal past the flailing arms of the Stranraer keeper, whatever his name is.  1-0 to the Dons and only 6 minutes on the clock.

Two and a half minutes later, and Reynolds knocks another through ball to the feet of Vernon, who holds off the challenge of a 'defender' and rifles his second of the game into the net. Haha... get in there. Look at us scoring goals and playing fitba like a proper team.

17 minutes in and a stramash in the box turns into kerfuffle, rapidly descending into a clattering, and it's a penalty for the Dons.  Who else but Scott 'The Manager Had Complete Faith In Me From The Off' Vernon steps up, hammers it to the right, and it's a hat-trick inside of 20 minutes for the man who looks like Beaker aff the Muppets.

Hat-Trick Hero! Beeweeweeweeweewee!

You'll probably remember me saying earlier how Verno was going to be our main striker this season. Big Vern.  The Vermeister.Vernorino. He'll be responding to the faith I've shown in him, is what this is.

Minutes later and Ramovic flaps at a loose ball, he recovers to get back to his goal just in time to not save Moore's box from 3 yards out.  Fuckers have pulled one back, and is a collapse on?  I wouldn't bet against it with this particular team of spineless whores.

3-1 The Dons.

Within 3 minutes the Dons recover their 3 goal lead... a Naysmith cross finds McGinn's napper, he heads it back across goal, and Vernon is there to bang in his fourth.  Well, fuck me sideways, someone found their shooting boots. Good on you, you muppet-looking fuck. 4-1 Aberdeen, 4 goals for Vernon, the next round beckons.

With time running down in the first half, giant-mouthed Considine puts the tie beyond any doubt with a short, stabby shot at the near post from a McGinn cross. 5-1 and this tie is over.

As is usually the case, however, losing a few goals usually has the AI playing like Barcelona, regardless of what team they are, and true to form the second half sees Stranraer play like Stranraercelona.  The only real moment of interest being a second goal for the Scottish Catalans from some lad called Borris.

We won't be Russian to sign him, though... hahahahahaha... ah, I crack me up, me.

Anyway, 5-2 the Dons, we're through to the next round, and here's the highlights with Pibull.

Game 4: Aberdeen vs Hearts

Game 4: Aberdeen vs Hearts of Ukios Bankaruptcy

Flats, flats, glorious flats!

With the exciting news of Hearts' impending doom filling the back pages of newspapers around the country, they travel to Pittodrie for game 3 of the season.  Presumably they'll be hitching a lift north from Auld Reekie, because Ukio Bankas owns their team bus as well as their stadium.

Our new midfielder will be playing his first game for us, some dude by the name of Ferrie Bodde. Aberdeen fans will remember him for not being worth signing, even though he was later the subject of a 2 million pound approach (which was rejected, it should be noted).  Anyway, better late than never, and the Dutchman with the long range shot has signed up for the Dons at the second time of asking. He goes into our midfield, and if I haven't mentioned it already I've punted Stephen Hughes because he's... well.. because he's Stephen Hughes.

The thing I like most about Ferrie Bodde is his tiny head and his weird neck.  He'll fit in perfectly with his Aberdeen teammates, who look like the cast of Babylon 5.

Tiny head, fat neck. Hello, I am being Ferrie Bodde. Schmoke and a Pancake?

Like Suazo, he's about as fit as can be expected for someone who hasn't been playing lately.  Obviously Bodde's a major injury risk, but I'm prepared to accept that any freebie is going to have a major flaw.  So long as he doesn't have a basement full of dead hookers, I think we can chance his signing.

With Suazo once again partnering the shirt-filling Vernon up front, let's hope we can put these fuckers firmly in their place. 

Game 4 is under way, and from the start it's... let's put it this way, the first thirty minutes can be summed up thusly.

Head tennis, head tennins, misplaced pass, cross to no-one, punt upfield, head tennis, head tennis, tiny head, tiny head, misplaced pass.

It isn't till the 30th minute that a glorious 40 yard diagonal pass by the gorgeous figure of Cillian Murphy finds Nicky Low Choo-choo-training into the box like the little engine who could. Without breaking stride, Low smashes a left foot volley clean into the fucking net. Haud 'at, ye fuckin Jambo cunts!

...but what's this?

The bastard in the black is pulling play back. The goal has been chalked off, and we're denied a glorious goal of the season contender, simply because this twat of a referee can't see past his own fucking nose.

There's literally nothing else to mention this half.  Watching this virtual Aberdeen team is a bit like watching the real Aberdeen team, inasmuch as I sit at my computer with a bored expression on my face, periodically going, "Jesus."  and "Fuck me" and "This is pish."  So I do take my hat off when it comes to the authenticity of the matchplay.

Half Time: Aberdeen 0 - Hearts 0

Pawlett is on for Hayes, McGinn is on for Vernon.  Let's see if fresh legs can make some inroads.

Apparently they can't.

This is grim.  with an hour gone the only point of note is Rae's decent ankle-snapping challenge that sees him 'earn' a yellow.

67 minutes gone and Hearts have the ball in the net.

A Grainger free kick finds Sutton, and the Hearts man plants it easily under the slow-motion dive of Jamie the Vegetable. It's 1-0 to the Hearts, and the crowd goes.... wait... it's being chalked off by the over-zealous referee.  Apparently there's an infringement, and I completely agree with the decision.

Four minutes later and Hearts have the ball in the net again.  This time It's Grainger sweeping the ball into the box, with Sutton placing a great header past the slow-motion dive of... deja vu. Exactly the same move, exactly the same players, ball in the net for 1-0 to Hearts, and the crowd goes... wait... it's being chalked off by the over-zealous referee. Apparently there's an infringement (again) and I completely agree with the decision.

Two identical goals in four minutes for the Jammies, and both times the referee decides to take his whistle and shove it up Hearts' collective arsehole.

Good on you referee.  Good on you.

Sutton celebrates prematurely... twice. Ricky Foster realises he's came to the wrong game.

So with three perfectly good goals chalked off by a bampot of a referee, this game ends in an exciting 0-0 draw, with neither side able to put the ball in the net and make it stay there. 

On any other day that would have been 2-1 to the Bankrupt Submariners of Midlothian, so we should count ourselves lucky to escape this fucking fiasco with a point. 

Onwards and upwards. 

Game 3: St Johnstone vs Aberdeen

Game 3: St Johnstone vs Aberdeen

Boasting a mighty one point from our opening two games, it's just possible than I might need to bolster this shower of shite of a team, and being firmly of the belief that attack is the best form of defence, as well as being the best form of attack, I'm going to buy a new Striker.

A quick look at our scouting records shows that there's some Honduran dude by the name of Suazo just kicking his heels in the freebie market, and remember... thanks to the VERY healthy "Nae poonds and nae pince!" transfer budget Stewart Scrooge McDuck Milne has given me, the freebie market is EXACTLY what I'm looking at.

Fortunately Suazo is seemingly willing to work for absolute peanuts, and this is ideal because that's what we pay. Like they say, pay peanuts and you get monkeys.  I don't give a fuck, I just can't be relying on Vernon for the rest of the season, so if I have to play an actual monkey I will go to Edinburgh zoo and loan out Mr Biggles from the Monkey Hoose if needs be.

And I've just Googled Suazo and he's a black lad.  So now I look like one of those fucking racists you read about on the internets.  "That man called that black man a monkey! He's like one of those racists that you read about on the internets!" I hear you say. But in my defence, you can fuck off.

Suazo. Yup. Black lad. 

Anyway, Suazo is handed the illustrious number 33 shirt that so many fine Aberdeen strikers have worn before him.

So here goes, game 3... no wins yet, but surely to fuck just by the law of averages we're due a win?

Come on, Suazo... Daddy needs a new pair of shoes.

And we're off!

Suazo is straight into the team, despite being in no way match fit. Partnering the much maligned Scott 'I Nearly Scored' Vernon. McGinn is on the bench, why I don't know, I let the assistant pick the team. Seems like a bad idea to me, but I'm largely along for the ride here, so fuck, don't blame me.

Early St Johnstone (hereafter known as StJ to save typing all that out) pressure is dealt with easily by Considine, he really does have a gigantic gub, with Suazo looking lively and Vernon giving the ball away like a cock.

Vine picks up a booking for 'simulation' in the box, what we used to call diving... a yellow his only reward for trying to win a penalty. He's a fucking cheat. You watch yourself, son.  I know people.

Osbourne picks up a booking minutes later for a lovely and well-timed two-footed challenge on Abeid, and StJ start piling on a bit of pressure.  The change to an uninspiring 4-4-2 doesn't seem to be helping much, but it's early days.

20 minutes on the Timex, and Milsom finds Rae, Rae knocks it onto the new lad, and with three defenders around him Suarez seals the deal with a glorious goal on his debut.  I bought him, you know? It's like I'm weaving magic in the transfer market, if you ignore the useless goalkeeper I brought in.

Minutes later Suazo sends a great ball upfield to the feet of Vernon, and with a clear run on goal... nothing.

Are you seeing a pattern here? 30 odd games into this season and Craig Brown hadn't.

The rest of the half sees some weak attacking play by the Perth side, while Aberdeen look dangerous on the counter, with the new guy zipping around, putting in challenges and setting up chances. I like him already.

Half time arrives, and it's 1-0 the Dons.


Gavin Rae has been underperforming, by which I mean passing the ball straight to the opposition and losing out in challenges, so he's hooked and Low's on. Hughes is still injured, so I think I'm going to have to shop around for a new midfielder right quick. I wonder what the Young Brothers are up to these days?

Anderson's on for the injured Jack, and McGinn is thrown on inna. We're sticking at 4-4-2, maybe we'll get lucky.

The second half is dour affair, with no clear cut chances for either side, so that's your lot for this match report.

A solid 1-0 win for the Dons Soccer Reds of Aberdeen, 3 more points on the board, and I'm definitely  going to try to acquire a new midfielder, defender, and another goalie.

I Googled 'Aberdeen Fans' to highlight how happy the virtual dons fans were at the scoreline, and this is what I get.

Apparently this is the 52" Aberdeen Fan.  Seriously, a fucking ceiling fan comes up as the primary search result for 'Aberdeen Fans'/?   So, yeah, look at the jubilant Aberdeen fan.

LOOK AT IT!