Boasting a mighty one point from our opening two games, it's just possible than I might need to bolster this shower of shite of a team, and being firmly of the belief that attack is the best form of defence, as well as being the best form of attack, I'm going to buy a new Striker.
A quick look at our scouting records shows that there's some Honduran dude by the name of Suazo just kicking his heels in the freebie market, and remember... thanks to the VERY healthy "Nae poonds and nae pince!" transfer budget Stewart Scrooge McDuck Milne has given me, the freebie market is EXACTLY what I'm looking at.
Fortunately Suazo is seemingly willing to work for absolute peanuts, and this is ideal because that's what we pay. Like they say, pay peanuts and you get monkeys. I don't give a fuck, I just can't be relying on Vernon for the rest of the season, so if I have to play an actual monkey I will go to Edinburgh zoo and loan out Mr Biggles from the Monkey Hoose if needs be.
And I've just Googled Suazo and he's a black lad. So now I look like one of those fucking racists you read about on the internets. "That man called that black man a monkey! He's like one of those racists that you read about on the internets!" I hear you say. But in my defence, you can fuck off.
Suazo. Yup. Black lad.
Anyway, Suazo is handed the illustrious number 33 shirt that so many fine Aberdeen strikers have worn before him.
So here goes, game 3... no wins yet, but surely to fuck just by the law of averages we're due a win?
Come on, Suazo... Daddy needs a new pair of shoes.
And we're off!
Suazo is straight into the team, despite being in no way match fit. Partnering the much maligned Scott 'I Nearly Scored' Vernon. McGinn is on the bench, why I don't know, I let the assistant pick the team. Seems like a bad idea to me, but I'm largely along for the ride here, so fuck, don't blame me.
Early St Johnstone (hereafter known as StJ to save typing all that out) pressure is dealt with easily by Considine, he really does have a gigantic gub, with Suazo looking lively and Vernon giving the ball away like a cock.
Vine picks up a booking for 'simulation' in the box, what we used to call diving... a yellow his only reward for trying to win a penalty. He's a fucking cheat. You watch yourself, son. I know people.
Osbourne picks up a booking minutes later for a lovely and well-timed two-footed challenge on Abeid, and StJ start piling on a bit of pressure. The change to an uninspiring 4-4-2 doesn't seem to be helping much, but it's early days.
20 minutes on the Timex, and Milsom finds Rae, Rae knocks it onto the new lad, and with three defenders around him Suarez seals the deal with a glorious goal on his debut. I bought him, you know? It's like I'm weaving magic in the transfer market, if you ignore the useless goalkeeper I brought in.
Minutes later Suazo sends a great ball upfield to the feet of Vernon, and with a clear run on goal... nothing.
Are you seeing a pattern here? 30 odd games into this season and Craig Brown hadn't.
The rest of the half sees some weak attacking play by the Perth side, while Aberdeen look dangerous on the counter, with the new guy zipping around, putting in challenges and setting up chances. I like him already.
Half time arrives, and it's 1-0 the Dons.
Gavin Rae has been underperforming, by which I mean passing the ball straight to the opposition and losing out in challenges, so he's hooked and Low's on. Hughes is still injured, so I think I'm going to have to shop around for a new midfielder right quick. I wonder what the Young Brothers are up to these days?
Anderson's on for the injured Jack, and McGinn is thrown on inna. We're sticking at 4-4-2, maybe we'll get lucky.
The second half is dour affair, with no clear cut chances for either side, so that's your lot for this match report.
A solid 1-0 win for the Dons Soccer Reds of Aberdeen, 3 more points on the board, and I'm definitely going to try to acquire a new midfielder, defender, and another goalie.
I Googled 'Aberdeen Fans' to highlight how happy the virtual dons fans were at the scoreline, and this is what I get.
Apparently this is the 52" Aberdeen Fan. Seriously, a fucking ceiling fan comes up as the primary search result for 'Aberdeen Fans'/? So, yeah, look at the jubilant Aberdeen fan.
LOOK AT IT!
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