Pre-Season Friendly Match Report Number 2. Now with NEGROES!
With a slight drizzle dreeping from the skies above the godforsaken hole-de-merde' that is East End Park... and to almost immediately go off on a tangent, East End Park was also the name of a baseball ground in which the Houston Monarchs played the girly sport of Baseball in the 'Negro League'. So-called because everyone who played in that league was a negro. Just a fun fact for you to sit there and chew on for a while. The name implies exactly what it's all about. League full of players who are negros... let's call it the Negro League.
With that kind of unassailable logic at our disposal, let's just call the SPL by it's implied name. The Shite League of West Coast Handshaking and Backscratchery. Of course SPL is probably easier to remember, although massively inaccurate.
Anyway, there's only a handful of negros playing in todays match up between two of Scotland's more terrible professional football teams, Dunfermline and Aberdeen.
Isaac Osbourne... he's a negro, so's that Magennis fella. That's pretty much it for the Dons' negro contingent. And for Dunfermline, well, amazingly they're fielding no negros today. They ARE fielding Andy Kirk, though... and while Andy Kirk is whiter than Casper the Ghost there IS a famous negro by the name of Andy Kirk. A musician and songwriter from the 20s. Andy Kirk and his 12 Clouds of Joy, that was what his band was called. Presumably the rain pissing down over East End Park is coming from some of Andy Kirk's 12 Clouds of joy...
...I'm not making any of this shit up, by the way... this is all totally verifiable stuff. Go ahead and Google it.
Hello. I'm Andy Kirk, and I'll be your Negro for the day.
So, with the aforementioned drizzle dreeping down on the largely Caucasian contingent at the Scottish East End Park, the Bastard in the Black blows his little whistle and we're under way with the Dons' second pre-season game of the... preseason.
The Dons hit the ground running and a darting run in the opening seconds by Aberdeen's Shrek-on-a-starvation-diet-looking winger, little Johnny Hayes, sees him sending a dangerous ball into the Pars box. Unfortunately Irish genius McGinn is off formalising a peace treaty with the IRA or whatever the fuck it is those Irish types get up to, and with Cammy Smith also posted missing the ball ends up in the very white hands of Dunfermline keeper, Hrivnak... which is less a surname and more of a blatant chancing of one's arm at Scrabble. Of course, white hands are no guarantee that the person is a white guy, right? Some of them have white hands, don't they? The Negros, I mean. I've seen them. Pretty sure I have. Anyway, this Hrivnak lad is for sure white.
\
Just checked online, and confirmed I was right about the White-handed Negros. I'm rarely wrong about these kinds of things.
A series of ineffectual, limp-wristed 'crosses' define the opening 20 minutes thereafter, with neither the Dandy Dons or the Sub-Pars... hahaha, I totally just came up with that... able to exhibit any form of soccerballing ability at all. This is poor Soccerball. Do I not like this Soccerball.
Then, with 23 minutes gone, a shocking, and most-likely racially-motivated, assault occurs when young Aberdeen defender Shaugnessy ruthlessly, savagely, and awesomely scythes down popular negro Andy Kirk. The referee has no choice but to laugh hysterically, and book the Dons youngster. It's the first yellow of the match, and really the only thing approaching 'excitement'.
31 minutes on the old clockboard, and Kirk gains revenge in juicy fashion. With the ball bouncing around the Dons' box like a social disease in a Catholic household, the negro musician leaps onto a Thompson pass and fires the ball into the net past the unbelievably not good Jamie Langfield.
If there had been a crowd, it would have gone wild.
It's 1-0 to the white guys in black and white, and the mostly white guys in red are left red faced, except the negros who remain black because of the dark pigmentations and suchlike. It's not racist if it's true.
The first half continues to see Dunfermline probe our soft rear area with long, probing efforts, but despite their hardest efforts they fail to penetrate our box a second time.
Half Time" Dunfermline 1 - 0 Aberdeen
Following a cheery and motivational half-time speech, in which manager Me threatens to rape each and every one of the players, starting with the youngest, the Dons come out of the traps as if fighting for their very anuses.
Dunfermline's Morris states his own intentions early, by catching the ball and getting sent off. Obviously his intention was to catch the ball and get himself sent off, and all credit for showing total commitment to those intentions. So with Dunfermline voluntarily reduced to 10 men the fightback might be on.
With 53 minutes gone, the Godlike striker from the Emerald Isle, Seamus O McGinnigan, streaks forward, takes a short pass from Crawford, and sends an unstoppable shot bulleting past the despairing hands of the Dunfermline shot-stopper.
McGinn may look dopier than a sack full of sedated elderly sloths, granted, but stick a pair of football boots on this fucker and you know shit's going to get done properly.
I LIKE SHINY THINGS! YAAAAY! I LIKE SHINY THINGS! McGinn celebrates
Dunfermline struggle to keep the Dons at bay, now, as the heroes in red sweep forward in seemingly endless waves, like Russian soldiers in that film with Jude Law and the chick from The Mummy... she got her tits out in The Constant Gardner... seeking out the winning goal that would win the game for the men from the north.
90 minutes come and go, with the Dons players battering away at the shaky Dunfermline defences, time and again only the woodwork, desperate saves and the fact we've only one player who knows how to kick a ball in a straight line (See; McGinn, Nial) prevents Aberdeen from hitting the net. It seems a draw is the inevitable outcome.
With 92 minutes on the clock that tells you how long you've played, young Cammy the Jizz Sock Smith picks up the ball on the edge of the Dunfermline box, looks up, and fires his hot load of football all over the back of the Dunfermline net. It's a last gasp winner for the men from Pittodrie, and Dunfermline's defences have failed them at the last.
Get it up you, you racially ambiguous cunts.
Final Score: Dunfermline 1 -2 Aberdeen
No comments:
Post a Comment